thinposhgirl

11:32 am: I really haven't even done bad the last 3 days, but I have gained 3 pounds. I know that happens when you are starving and losing so fast and you eat anything. But each day I ate ONLY lunch, and I purged and I took a laxative! I am so fasting at least today, hopefully 2 days and then back to severe restricting. But a 3 pound gain puts me back at 202.

I had a horrible day yesterday as far as work goes, but at least I didn't go home and eat. I drank some diet root beer and had my senna tea. I wish there was something that would make me fall asleep at night and STAY asleep. I hate waking up at 1:30, 3:30 and 5:30 every morning and worrying about stupid shit for work.

Oh well, I just have to use it as motivation to starve.

08:12 am: Yay! I had an awesome day yesterday, I wrapped for 2 1/2 hours, I did 55 minutes in the sauna and I did 4 treatments. Plus I did an arms workout and an algae body wrap. I was down 2 pounds today...199!!!!! I am so happy! But I had to eat a half an orange this morning, I felt really strange. I also started taking vitamins, so that should help. I just want to melt this fat off of me. I can't wait to get to 175, it really isn't that far away anymore.

Oh, I forgot to mention that I didn't eat anything yesterday. I mean I didn't even lick my fingers off when I got stuff on them from cooking. I am so proud of myself. I love feeling in control, and I think God is helping me not feel hungry. I have never felt this kind of willpower for this long, and I just don't see myself screwing this up anytime soon. I mean in the past a commercial or the food network would make me hungry, but now I am like "I don't even want any of that crap!" I don't need it and I am strong enough to say no. I know I am finally going to reach my goals!

09:01 am: Damnit, I am so mad at myself. I worked out a TON yesterday and didn't eat a thing until 9:30 at night when I gave into my craving and had a bunch of salsa and 14 chips which was 150 calories total. Everyday I am eating just a little more than the day before and I need to STOP IT NOW! I really want to fast today, but I feel so weak and out of it. I mean I like the feeling, it can just be hard to feel this way for 5 days in a row. I am doing an infrared wrap right now and I am going to stay wrapped for 190 minutes today. Then I am going to do 4 treatments at IAW and I am going to do at least 1 workout DVD today. I AM GOING TO BE AT 199.5 AT THE MOST TOMORROW OR I WILL SCREAM!!!!!!

I am going to do it. I just have to keep my goals in mind!

07:59 am: I am so happy, I weighed 201 today! I know that is totally disgusting and it makes me an almost worthless human being, but that is down 11.5 lbs from Monday! Even though I know I am going to lose at a much faster rate than normal, that is still pretty damn exceptional. Now all I really need to do is add some kind of weight or resistance training into my routine.

I am going to have another awesome day today too! I love this slightly off-balance dizzy weak feeling of being emaciated, and I know there is plenty of fat storage on my body, so FUCK FOOD! I don't need it! YAY ME!

11:55 pm: Yay, I had another great day today and I really feel proud of myself. I had a VERY small banana for breakfast and 5 TINY bites of turkey breast for dinner. I am calling that 100 for the day. I didn't have any sweets, I didn't have anything bad for me, all I drank was water, and I am feeling so in control right now I love it. Plus I have been spending a TON of time doing my treatments and saunas. I can't wait to weight myself tomorrow since it has been a couple of days. I know I am going to reach my goals!

01:24 pm: Wow, I have had a good few days. Monday was 500, Tuesday= 0, Wednesday= 70, So far today= 50.

I am really proud of my progress so far and I know I am going to reach my goals. Here are some goals:

Christmas 188, 29 days away, 18 pounds = .62 lbs/day
Jan 15 175, 21 days after Christmas, 13 pounds = .62 lbs/day
Valentines 157, 30 days later, 18 pounds = .6 lbs/day
Shaun's BDay 144, 24 days later, 13 pounds = .54 lbs/day
My Bday 134, 21 days later, 10 pounds = .48 lbs/day
May 1 119, 31 days later, 15 pounds = .48 lbs/day
May 31 114, 30 days later, 5 pounds = .16 lbs/day
But I HAVE to stay on track. I feel good, I feel like I will do it. I really want to have a 5 year anniversary party this year if we can afford it.

By the way, 124 is underweight for my height, so I would like to get to 115 or so. But I know I look okay at 140 and good at 120. I have never felt more determined to stay on track and I am going to go all the way this time!

07:15 am: Oh my God...I had a good day yesterday! I mean I started off bad, but I only had 1 mini binge and I threw up. I didn't eat anything the rest of the day until my sister came over to make stuff for Thanksgiving. I am going to have to say that I only had 500 calories yesterday, and I am planning on the same for today. I think I will pretty much do abc, I know it is hard, but I know it works.

I am SOOOO glad and I really feel like I can do it now. I love the feeling of starting a new plan. I will succeed!

02:57 pm: Okay, I went to losertown and it is possible to get all the way down to 115 by like May or something like that. I know I can do it, I've lost before, this time it means more to me. 5 Years with Shaun and I have been fat for 4 1/2 of them. I do not want to go through my life this way anymore.

10:45 am: yeahi would be too i guess! i mean dont get me wrong i would still want to get with you!! haha

I have to lose weight now. I am going to go puke then there are no more excuses. I need to exercise, use VIP's and Sauna. My 5 year anniversary is this year and I want to be thin by summer. Let's say 6months. A normal person should lose 50 pounds in 6 months, I want to lose 90. Damn, I have a lo of work to do.

07:52 am: Damnit I am so fucking disgusting I hate myself.  I act like I don't care and I just keep getting fatter and fatter.  I am at 209.5 this morning and I have 3 weeks until a baby shower.  I have to make a committment to the next 3 weeks to lose as much as possible.  But even if i lost a pound per day I would still weigh 198.5.  That is so sick.  I really do hate myself.

Here is what I want to do:
Lemonade diet for 6 days to shrink my stomach, then finish out the rest of my 3 weeks with abc.

I HAVE to get in the sauna every day for 1 hour and I have to do 2 VIP treatments every day.  I also think I should do 1 workout tape everyday at home.

10:34 pm: I am such a fat fucking failure.  It is like every day I start out with the intentions to fast or start ABC, or the Master Cleanse, and every day I screw up.  I have let myself get enormous again.  I have been so close to being a "normal" weight, so halfway there to being the size I want to be...and I have blown it every time.  I am so disgusting.  So tonight I took my laxatives...AGAIN...and tomorrow I will do my salt water flush...AGAIN...and I will try so hard to do it right for at least 3 days.  I just want to shrink my stomach so I don't feel hungry.  Well I like feeling hungry, but not by 10am, that is just pathetic.  I used to EASILY be able to fast for a day now there is just no way. 

I know I can lose about 4 pounds per week easily...that would put me at 45 pounds down or more by Christmas.  I am sure I am 205 at least, so 160 would be good by Christmas.  Then I could be to my goal by my birthday.  This year will be 5 years since I graduated from college and I would like to show up as a normal person not a huge fat piece of shit.  I am already so embarrassed by how I look.  I felt so awkward this morning at church when people were trying to squeeze by me and I knew I was taking up so much more room than the girls standing next to me.  I just want to feel good.

Anyway, I just need to go see what everyone wrote.  I know if I start coming here again I will feel inspired.

09:28 am: I have to make a change RIGHT NOW.  I should have been to 115 like 10 times by now!  There is no excuse for the way I look and feel.  I have to get it under control and lose this weight.

I am going to starve myself for the next 9 days.  I know I can do it.  My goal for our closing date is 195.  I know I can do it.  I am not a fat person inside.  I am thin and beautiful.  I hate the way I look.

07:22 am: Wow, 4 days on ABC and I've gone from 196 down to 181.5...I cannot believe that I have lost 14.5 pounds in 4 days.  I have not felt this good in a LONG time.  It just kind of sucks that I could have been here if I wouldn't have screwed up in the first place, but at least I am doing what I need to do right now.  I also made this SUPER yummy soup last night, here is the recipe:

chicken bouillon	2 cubes	5
beef bouillon	2 cubes	5
carrots	1/2 Cup	25
green beans	3/4 Cup	20
onion	1/2 small	15
Egg Beaters	1/4 Cup	30
Flour	1/4 Cup	100
Tomatoes	6 grape	6
Basil/garlic	5	5
Zucchini	3/4 Cup	13
Butter	1 Tbsp.	50
Chicken Breast	2-Jan	50
Tobasco Sauce	splash	0
TOTAL CALORIES		324
makes 10 servings
cook the chicken in the butter, then add all veggies and
cook for a bit. Add the garlic and basil, coat in "juices."
Add the 10 cups of water and bouillon cubes.
Mix the egg beaters and flour with some salt and pepper.
Bring soup to a boil and spoon in tiny spoonfulls of the
"dumpling" mixture (they did not turn out like dumplings
though, but like tiny thin noodles, sort of) add a splash
of tobasco and salt and pepper to taste. YUUUUMMMMMMY

Okay, so today is the 100 calorie day and I am feeling so strong.  I only hope I can keep it up all day.  I know I can because I am so happy with my progress so far.  I think the key is just going to be to wait as long as possible to eat and to keep really busy today.  Aurora has a playdate, so that should be easy.

I really think I cam going to stick with it this time.  I know I can make it until Josh's birthday, then I will probably give myself a day to eat bad and then get back to it.  We'll see, maybe I will be even stronger by then and won't even feel the urge to cheat.  I hope so!  I want to achieve perfection!
 

12:44 pm:

So I lost 3 pounds today, not bad for being so lazy yesterday, I am not even feeling really tempted today, so that is good.  I am feeling hungry, but I know that I am shrinking my stomach so I can get prepared for the really low calorie days and the days of not eating (which I honestly don't think I have gone a day without calories since high school) but I feel like I am really strong right now.

I have been having some really yummy "alternatives" like "taco salad:" lettuce-5, onion-5, salsa-10, sour cream-50, and a sprinkle of taco seasoning.  And I bought some applesauce containers that I have been heating up with cinnamon and splenda - 50.

Well, I need to go see what everyone else wrote.

05:15 pm: Why am I struggling so much with this?  I know that I don't want to eat.  I feel a little hungry, but not really Hungry, just gurgling stomach, and cravings.  Actually I am not really having cravings for any particular foods, just that binge feeling.  I don't know why I am so locked in to this.  I love bingeing, I love food, I love feeling full, I love having all the things I want, but I hate being as fat as I am.  I really feel like I want to live this anorexic lifestyle, but I just love food so much.  How can I stay strong?  I've already "given in" and only walked 2 miles today.  I should have gone in and at least did my sauna and VIP, but I have just laid in bed all day.  I am such a lazy disgusting blob.  I can feel the fat all over my body.  My pants have gotten tighter (in just 4 days), my face is melting into my chest, my stomach is so soft and squishy, my legs are like tree trunks, I have nasty kankles, I have this little pooch of fat on my upper arms - like a pocket where fat has just pooled it is really disgusting.  My ring is tight again, my hips and thighs are wider than they were a couple days ago, I was actually getting close to fitting into my size 12 pants (maybe only 5-10 pounds away), now I am at least 20 pounds away and scared to even put them on because I might rip them.  I can just think of a hundred reasons why I want to starve, but I cannot understand why food keeps coming into my mind.  Why am I so obsessed?  Why can't I be obsessed with exercise?  At least I know I will lose weight following ABC.  I will be eating an average of 250 calories per day and most people say that they lose about a pound per day.  That would be really great, I have 46 days until I leave for Mexico...wow, that is hard to believe.  Not that I really think I will lose 46 pounds in 46 days, but if I did I would be at 149...back to my original goal.  Now thanks to my binges, I will probably be at 165 or so when we leave.  That is so disgusting I feel like it is hitting me like a semi truck.  I have let myself get so fat and after losing 62 pounds I would still be at an obese 165 pounds.  I will not even come close to not hating myself until I am at 150, I won't be happy until I am at 135, and I will not be proud of myself until I am at 120.  I know what I want, I know how to get it, now all I have to do is just do it.  I bought all the stuff I would need, I have exercise I can do, it's like I just don't want myself to succeed.  Like I want to be fat forever, I just don't get it.  I do want to be thin again, I want to feel good again, I want to stop being embarrassed.   I just have to stay strong.

09:40 am: I am such a fucking failure.  I had a b/p cycle for 4 days and gained 11 pounds.  I feel so fat and disgusting, probably because I am.  I am going to do ABC, and I am hoping to God that I am going to lose some serious weight with it.  I went to the list of the "top" healthiest foods, picked out the ones I knew I would eat, and then picked out the lowest in calories and went to the store and bought them.  I am going to plan out "healthy" eating days so I have most of the food groups every day.  Today is 500 calories so I am going to have some strawberries, salad and fish.  I think that should be a good day.

So, I guess I can at least take this as a learning experience to show me how bad food is and how it is truly the enemy.  I do not know how I could have let myself do that.  Why would I ever think that food is so important that it is worth being this fat and disgusting?  I am just so worthless, and so completely gross that I let food do this to me.  No wait, I am the one who did this.  No one made me eat the food, I am the one who failed myself, I am so disgusting.  I hate the way I look and feel, I hate turning my head and feeling the fat bunch up on the side of my face and chin.  I hate that my jeans are a bit tighter.  I hate that I am now 20 pounds off from my goal instead of .5.  Pretty fucking incredible that 4 fucking days of binges made 20 pounds of difference.  Now there is no way I will ever be at 150 by the time we leave.  Damnit I am a failure.  I am nothing.  I am worthless.  I am a fucking piece of garbage.  Now the only thing I can possibly do is try not to fail myself again.  I have to learn from this.  I cannot mess up again, I cannot be fat anymore.  I want to be thin, I want to do it.  I want to say no to food and be the me I want to be.  I can do it.

12:07 pm: Things are going okay so far, I have been doing a ton of exercising and pretty well with food.  I am down to 184.5.  Of course not even close to where I want to be, but the least I have weighed in months.  This is partly getting easier, I am able to just make myself do a workout tape first thing in the morning for example, but I have been craving food so badly, and giving in a lot.  Thank God I did not gain weight after having 2 bowls of goulash yesterday.  I am only .5 off from where I should be for the week, so I have really been trying hard.

Anyway, I'm off to see how everyone else is doing. 

10:36 am: I am back n schedule with my goals, I lost 3.5 yesterday, I am so happy.

As much as I  want to starve am going to try doing 135135 etc...  so today is my 500 calorie day and I am looking forward to eating.  Well the fat part of me is looking forward to it anyway.

Also, I walked 2 miles this morning and that felt great.  I am glad to know that I got off my fat ass and did something.  Well, I think it is going to be a great day.

04:21 pm: I have actually been doing decent lately.  Shaun took me out the other night, so of course I gained that day, but every day I've had an average of 350 calories.  I have also been doing great with my saunas and VIP treatements.

But, I am still 2 pounds away from my goal, after eating 505 calories of lasagna one night (and nothing else the whole day) I gained a half a pound, and after Shaun took me out one night I gained 2.5.  So today I have really been trying hard, I did an hour in the sauna, I did 2 VIP's, and I walked 2 miles.  I had egg beaters with onions and zucchini for a total of 60 calories, and I am not planning on eating anything else today.  I HAVE to meet my goal tomorrow.  It is way too early to get off track.  I guess I will have to do really well all next week and then I can have a day where I eat what I want.  But the really good news is that my stomach is shrinking (meaning I am getting full faster).  Well, I'm off to see what everyone else had to say.

10:42 am: Goodbye 190's!
This morning I weighed 189.5!  I am so happy!  I am supposed to eat at least 300 calories today, but part of me wants to eat nothing.  But I am really getting hungry, I had 1/2 an orange so far, so that's not too bad.  I just really feel like I am getting used to the whole no-eating thing.  Instead of thinking about what I want to eat all of the time I am thinking about how I am going to look and feel when I am finally thin again.  But we are having lasagna tonight and I really want some.  I think I will have 1/16 of the pan (I made an 8x8 pan) That would be 189 calories, plus 25 from my orange, then I could have egg-whites (50) onion and zucchini (10) for a total of 274, I guess that wouldn't be that bad.  But the fat part of me wants to make this a 500 calorie day and go to 100 tomorrow then 300, but I don't know what will happen.

I can't wait to go to my doctor tomorrow, I really hope she puts me on something good.  I am so lazy and un-organized.